you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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