I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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