I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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