Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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