I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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