Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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