Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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