I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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