She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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