Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
