just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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