i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
