A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's just like the Real World with babies
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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