2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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