No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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