Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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