mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
