is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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