Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
They took my balls.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
