yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
