just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
