tonight lets celebrate not being married
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dick has a subreddit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
