he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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