Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
