We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
