I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
