I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
