I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
