I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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