if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
