If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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