How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
