Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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