no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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