i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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