I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize