just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize