Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
