I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
