I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
