dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
