My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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