Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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