So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
