I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize