Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
