I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
