Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
