FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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