I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
