I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
