The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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