I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
