i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
false alarm, still single
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