I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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