I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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