Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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