She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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