I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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