K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
